Big News...

I've been avoiding something for a while now and it's not good that I am. See, this is something that has never once been a pleasant experience for me in all the times I've done it. I've been avoiding telling people I'm pregnant. This is the 6th time I've had to do this and I hate it. People are rarely happy to hear this news from me. I may as well be admitting to totaling my car... for the 6th time... in 7 years. See, the first time this happened it didn't quite happen right. I screwed up. I was in college. I wasn't married.... So that conversation was awkward. Since then it's just always been, "again?" Which, believe me, I get. How do you think it feels to find out you're pregnant again before you've even remotely recovered from the last pregnancy? Here's a fun personal fact about me, I HATE being pregnant. Literally, Hell for me could easily be perpetual pregnancy, as in, no finish line to cross, no bundle of joy, just endless pain, awkwardness, moodiness, sickness, and worry for no good reason.  Seriously, I hate pregnancy so much, I absolutely love labor and delivery. I'm just so happy it's finally over!

That said, I love my children and they're worth that hell. They're beautiful, wonderful, surprising, life giving, little driving forces that get me out of bed in the morning (and usually a few times during the night) and make me put one foot in front of the other when nothing else on Earth could. So, why aren't people ever happy to hear I'm gaining another reason to live?

That's not entirely true, I know quite a few people who get it, and they also get why maybe I'm not totally overjoyed at the prospect right away for all the right reasons. Mostly though, people just go glassy eyed and woodenly offer their condolence-ulations as best they can. I hate doing that to people I love. It's hard to have that reminder that they don't get me at all, no matter how much they care.

Here's the problem. The way I live doesn't fit into our societal image of success. I didn't set up a career to abandon temporarily when I chose to have a child or two. I didn't hit all the societal markers of success before offering myself up for parenthood, I dove in when it came to me as a natural consequence of my actions (believe me, that's a cold pool to jump into). As far as most people are concerned, I didn't live my life. Here's the thing though, this is life. I surrendered to life, to God really. I'm living life every single day. I didn't try to force my life into a mold set out by the world around me, I'm just going with it wherever it takes me. I accept what life brings me, I deal with it as best I can, and give thanks for the good that comes. Life isn't supposed to be easy, or ordered. Success is getting by without giving up, bonus point if you can do that with style and grace. Success is not gaining a certain income bracket or adhering to certain social guidelines. Success is not comfort. Success is finding joy in what you have.

In that light, I hope you can be happy for and comfortable with my existence. I hope, no matter where you draw your line to take your stand in life, that this is a perspective you can understand. If it isn't, I'm afraid you're in a very brittle and precarious position.

Anyway, I'm pregnant! Yes, again. Don't worry, my babies are awesome. Yes, I am trying to take over the world. Yes, I know how this happens. The kids are super excited. I'm feeling... pregnant. As near as we can tell so far I'm due in late August.



The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood and I--
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

- Robert Frost